The Dance of Khan
by mynamemattersnot
Summary: These are 101 additional rules that you must follow while abroad the original starship Enterprise like never feeding McCoy to a pet zombie. XD! Read, review, and enjoy!
1. Rules

**Author's Note: I'm doing another one of these because reasons. Hope you enjoy it! I do not own Star Trek or the characters. I don't own Walking Dead or Gangnam style or House MD or Star Wars anything else mentioned.**

1\. Do not Gangnam style flash mob style on the bridge.

2\. Do not Khan style.

3\. Do not yell jelly and place jelly all over Spock's head.

4\. Do not get Spock drunk.

5\. Do not crash a party thrown by Captain Kirk.

6\. Do not use Pike as a bottle opener.

7\. Do not use a Tribble as a war hammer.

8\. Do not pee on Spock.

9\. Do not sing to Spock.

10\. Do not lock Scotty in a closet.

11\. Do not ignore Chekov for a day.

12\. Do not fall in love with a klingon.

13\. Do not dance with a romulan.

14\. Do not surf the tribble.

15\. Do not steal a little girl's hair and place on Spock as a beard.

16\. Let McCoy grow a beard in peace.

17\. Do not be mean to Spock.

18\. Do not attempt to get Spock mad.

19\. Do not challenge Kirk to a fight.

20\. Do not read a children's story to Chekov.

21\. Do not challenge Sulu to a fencing match.

22\. Do not take a poop on Captain Kirk's chair.

23\. Do not yell "Rave" nearby Kirk.

24\. Do not bring the redshirt.

25\. Do not burn the Russian flag nearby Chekov.

26\. Do not pretend you can speak Russian nearby Chekov.

27\. Do not insult Scotland nearby Scotty.

28\. Do not make Scotty dress up as a pretty pretty princess.

29\. Do not allow Kirk to get all wet in the rain.

30\. Do not allow Kirk to get another girlfriend.

31\. Do not tap dance in Spock's quarters.

32\. Do not force Spock to eat with his hands.

33\. Do not stuff the engine room with cheese.

34\. Do not paint Sick Bay (especially red).

35\. Do not wear a green shirt.

36\. Do not release the rats in Kirk's quarters.

37\. Do not release the cats in Spock's quarters.

38\. Do not sing Justin Bieber's "Baby" especially nearby Kirk.

39\. Do not tell Kirk the baby is his.

40\. Do not go bungee jumping with Dr. McCoy.

41\. Do not go mountain hiking with Spock.

42\. Do not hide in a cardboard box.

43\. Do not return to the Academy dressed as Elvis.

44\. Do not use your magic powers to have Chekov and Sulu swap bodies.

45\. Do not let it go.

46\. Do not frolic in Uhura's hair.

47\. Do not steal Uhura's hair.

48\. Do not order up a tsunami.

49\. Do not insult Sulu's navigation skills.

50\. Do not dry out Kirk in the sun.

51\. Do not blame the cat.

52\. Do not make the girl's uniforms more revealing.

53\. Do not get a tattoo that says, "I love Spock."

54\. Do not spill milk all over Captain Kirk's chair.

55\. Do not stare at a shadow.

56\. Do not cock block Kirk.

57\. Do not try to use mind control on anyone.

58\. Do not feed McCoy to a pet zombie.

59\. Do not bring a horse to the bridge.

60\. Do not stick a hat on an elephant.

61\. Do not keep a pet zombie.

62\. Do not eat your own hair.

63\. Do not use your powers to turn Star Trek into the Walking Dead.

64\. Do not teleport Dr. House to Sick Bay.

65\. Do not eat a cookie on a Saturday.

66\. Do not howl at Scotty.

67\. Do not call Scott fat.

68\. Do not have a staring contest with Spock.

69\. Do not have a blinking contest with Chekov.

70\. Do not have sex with Mr. Mudd.

71\. Do not eat the tribble.

72\. Do not play baseball on the bridge.

73\. Do not challenge Dr. McCoy to basketball.

74\. Do not challenge Sulu or Chekov to soccer.

75\. Do not raise the roof and shake your booty in front of Kirk.

76\. Do not eat the red skittle.

77\. Do not force Spock to eat meat.

78\. Do not spank Kirk.

79\. Do not order stormtroopers to kill all the ensigns.

80\. Do not let Kirk eat cake.

81\. Do not throw a pie at Spock.

82\. Do not chase Sulu.

83\. Do not let Scotty have the last laugh.

84\. Do not light yourself on fire.

85\. Do not let your pet dog or cat pee all over the bridge.

86\. Do not pretend you can speak klingon in front of Uhura.

87\. Do not wear a sombrero in a goofy fashion.

88\. Do not invite Q to a tea party.

89\. Do not allow the Borg abroad the original Enterprise.

90\. Do not attempt to assimilate Kirk.

91\. Do not lick Spock's face.

92\. Do not open the red package.

93\. Do not invite Spock to a crazy party.

94\. Do not throw Spock a surprise birthday party.

95\. Do not throw cake at McCoy.

96\. Do not say Kirk's name backwards.

97\. Do not pace on the bridge.

98\. Do not stand on Kirk's chair and yell, "I'm the king of the world."

99\. Do not let Spock listen to "99 Problems"

100\. Do not follow the rules.

101\. And just dance (but not with Spock)!


	2. Gangnam Style and Too Much Vicodin

**Author's Note: I do not own Star Trek or House MD. I hope you enjoy this chapter! 8D!**

 **Rule Broken: Do not gangnam style flash mob style on the bridge:**

The bridge crew was bored. Spock was the only one that wasn't bored. Kirk stood up and started moving his hands up and down as if he were riding a horse. Spock shot him a look of confusion when Chekov started doing the same thing. He shot Chekov the same look of confusion when Sulu started doing it. Then even Uhura followed.

Spock stood there confused as the whole bridge crew broke into a strange dance.

"Why are you all dancing?" Spock asked.

"We're bored. So we're doing gangnam style." Kirk replied.

"What?"

They ignored Spock and kept dancing. Spock just stared in confusion as gangnam style was done flash mob style on the bridge. He hesitated before awkwardly joining in. His moves were erratic and weird but made Kirk smile.

"Hey Spock. I didn't know you could dance." Kirk said.

"This is strange, captain. Can we stop?" Spock asked.

"No, Spock."

Spock looked even more confused and paused, "Why not?"

"Because this is what you do when you're bored."

"Humans are strange."

"Yes we are , Spock. Yes we are."

 **Rule Broken: Do not teleport Dr. House to Sick Bay:**

Dr. McCoy was just relaxing in Sick Bay when suddenly some man was transported into his Sick Bay. The man was around fourty with a graying stubble of hair on his face. He had blue eyes and a flame cane.

"Who the heck are you?" McCoy asked surprised to see him there.

"Dr. Cameron." House lied. "Who the heck are you?"

"Dr. McCoy. What are you doing here? Are you inj-" McCoy began, "What are you doing?"

House was taking vicodin at an alarming rate but was doing it as if it were no big deal, "Taking my medicine. You see doctor I'm in pain so I need my medication."

"Are you mad doctor? You don't need that much!"

"Sure I do. I'm in pain."

"But- but- how much did you just take."

"Relax. I only took eight pills and only two were vicodin."

"Eight pills? Eight pills? You are mad. What the hell did you take?"

"Just some things to help."

"Dammit. What did you take?"

"I took my little happy pills. They make me all sunshine and cheery."

"You can't take that many pills though."

"Sure I can. It's a free country."

"No you can't. That's too many."

"But daaad! I'm a cripple! I need my pills."

"Not that many!"

"Yes that many! Give a cripple a break!"

"Not until you take a proper dosage."

"No dad. I don't wanna."

"Quit calling me dad!"

"Quit telling me how much pills to take!"

"Dammit, Dr. Cameron! I'm a doctor and I know you shouldn't be taking that many pills and you should too!"

"I'm not going to keep arguing with you daddy. I already have a mom to do that with."

"Fine. Transport back to wherever you came from. I don't care anymore."

"Fine!"

Dr. House took more vicodin and then left and Dr. McCoy looked annoyed. How could someone take that much medication just for their leg pain? It was a question that Dr. McCoy would never find the answer to.

 **Author's Note: Did you like it? Was it funny as Spock joined in on the dancing? Tell me what you think in a review. I promise more to come in the future. 8D!**


	3. Practical Jokestar and Not a Surprise

**Author's Note: Sorry for the long hiatus. Writer's block came down hard for me. But I am back so I hope you are ready to read. Enjoy! I do not own Star Trek or its characters.**

 **Rule Broken: Do not lock Scotty in a closet:**

It was supposed to be a good practical joke or so the ensign thought. He couldn't help but laugh as Scotty screamed to be let out. The ensign had locked Scotty in a closet. Scotty was trapped and it was funny or at least it was supposed to be. An hour later, though, the fun was ruined by Spock who let Scotty out. Scotty looked like he was going to murder the ensign.

"What is the meaning of this? Locking me in that closet?" Scotty asked with anger and frustration in his voice.

"It was just a joke, sir." The ensign answered nervously.

"A joke. I see. Carry on then."

"You aren't mad?"

"I said carry on."

The next day, when the ensign was preparing himself for duty he found the word "joker" written large and clear on his face. He tried to wash it off but it wouldn't come off. He began to panic knowing he couldn't go to duty with writing on his face. He was scared but then Scotty showed up to gloat.

"Sir, did you do this to me?" The ensign asked.

"Yes." Scotty gloated.

"Why?"

"Calm yourself, lad. It was just a joke."

"But you said-"

"Oh and I almost forgot you can have this in about an hour." Scotty said flashing him some special facial cleanser.

He left the poor ensign to go and carry out his duties with writing on his face.

 **Rule Broken: Do not throw Spock a surprise birthday party:**

It was Spock's birthday. McCoy had warned Kirk not to do this but he didn't listen. He couldn't believe he was even hear to celebrate. Vulcans didn't believe in celebrating birthdays. It was a stupid idea, but despite that here they were sitting in the dark waiting to surprise Spock for his birthday. It went just as McCoy would have suspected.

"Surprise!" They all yelled as Spock came into his quarters.

Spock remained as emotionless as ever and took one long look at Kirk and then said, "Captain, I appreciate the gesture, but on Vulcan we do not celebrate the day of birth."

"See? Didn't I tell you Jim? I knew Spock would be too green blooded to enjoy his own birthday. I told you." McCoy said.

"Yes you did tell me. I just thought that maybe for a day we could break such traditions and have a little fun." Kirk replied.

"You were wrong." McCoy and Spock said simultaneously.

Kirk just shook his head and sighed. Vulcans were no fun.

 **Author's Note: Hope you all liked these short little stories. If you review, more will probably come. And don't be afraid to tell me what rules should be broken next. Have a wonderful day and thanks for reading! 8D!**


	4. Bad Red Package, Real Warning, Like Mike

**Author's Note: I just loved all the suggestions so much I ddecided to add two chapters today. The second chapter will be here soon. I hope you enjoy the chapters. I do not own Star Trek or its characters.**

 **Rule Broken: Do not open the red package:**

McCoy had gotten a gift from Kirk wrapped somewhat badly in red wrapping paper. It also had a red bow taped on top. He already expected it to be a joke, but he decided he could get back Kirk worse in time. So he figured what the hell and opened it only for a pie to hit his face. He expected it so much that he didn't get the least bit irritated. Instead, he just laughed. What he didn't expect was what would happen next. One of the biobeds mysteriously caught fire. At first, he thought it was part of the joke.

"Ha ha, very funny Jim." McCoy said, but no one was there.

McCoy's heart started racing and he rushed to put the fire out. He half expected Jim to come out and laugh but no one showed. Then, the package caught fire. He put that fire out too wondering what could have happened. Maybe the wrapping paper was flammable, maybe this was still only an elaborate joke by Kirk or someone else, or maybe McCoy was just having a really bad day.

McCoy was standing by the red package when something fell on top of it nearly hitting him. McCoy wasn't very happy when he saw what it was. It was a red pinata filled with red confetti that was now all over Sick Bay. Finally, Kirk came out and laughed.

"Dammit, Jim, you nearly gave me a heart attack!" McCoy said angrily.

"That was the point. I got you good." Kirk replied.

The next day, Kirk found that he was bald and all his shirts were pink.

 **Rule Broken: Do not ignore Chekov for a day:**

Kirk found himself really preoccupied lately. Chekov seemed to want his attention but he was just too busy. There was a new female ensign on the bridge and he couldn't help but try to flirt with her every change he got and Chekov was getting in the way. Chekov kept trying though, but Kirk wouldn't hear him. Spock was busy with research so Chekov couldn't run to him. So he continued to try to get Kirk's attention to no avail. Chekov was ignored all day.

Kirk was finally snapped out of his trance like state when the ship went into red alert.

"What happened?" Kirk asked bewildered.

"I tried to tell you, captain. That ensign was signaling the Klingons to attack." Chekov said pointing to the new female ensign.

"What? No it can't be." Kirk replied.

"Yes it can, captain-"

"No, Chekov I refuse to believe it."

"But it's true captain." The female ensign admitted, "And also I never really liked you."

Kirk sighed, "Great... security to bridge. Take Ensign Vee to the brig."

Kirk then thanked Chekov and started paying more attention to him.

 **Rule Broken: Do not challenge Dr. McCoy to basketball:**

Kirk was at a basketball court trying to teach McCoy how to play basketball.

"So you just dribble it by bouncing it up and down and then you can shoot it from anywhere you like." Kirk explained.

"What about from here?" McCoy asked standing half court.

"Actually, you can-"

Before Kirk could finish his thought McCoy shoot it from half court and made it into the basket.

Kirk started at him mouth agape and shook his head, "Lucky shot. Let's see if you can beat me in a game."

McCoy simply stole the ball from Kirk, "Am I allowed to do this, Jim?"

"Yes," Kirk replied unhappily watching McCoy make yet another shot from half court.

"How do you do that, Bones?" Kirk asked.

"It's easy, Jim. Just aim and throw."

"But making it from half court isn't supposed to be-"

He watched in shock as McCoy made yet another shot from half court.

"What Jim?"

"Nevermind."

Kirk never challenged McCoy to basketball again.

 **Author's Note: So how did you like this chapter? Tell me in a review please. Another chapter is coming today so make sure you review both chapters please. Thank you for reading. Hope you have a great day.**


	5. Dance Contest and Wrong Woman

**Author's Note: As promised another chapter for you. I do not own Star Trek or the characters. I hope you enjoy this.**

 **Rule Broken: Do not dance with a romulan:**

Kirk, Bones, and a red shirt were on a dangerous mission. They managed to infiltrate a romulan vessel. Soon, they found themselves caught and disarmed by some romulans. Kirk, not knowing what to do, began shaking his hips back and forth.

"What are you doing?" One of the romulans asked.

"Dance contest." Kirk replied, "Romulans versus humans."

The romulan lowered his gun for a split second before being nerve pinched from behind by Spock. Before the romulans could react, Kirk knocked one out and danced towards the others. The others looked confused and their confusion lasted long enough for the red shirt to snacth their weapons (miraculously without dying). Kirk then smiled at the defeated romulans.

"Humans and a vulcan win." Kirk said proudly.

 **Rule Broken: Do not fall in love with a klingon:**

Kirk couldn't believe how beautiful she was. He couldn't stop himself from staring at her from across the bar. There was only one little problem. She was klingon! She began to notice the stares. Kirk quickly looked away pretending he had other things on mind, but it was too late. She noticed. She came over to Kirk.

"Is something the matter with your eyes, human?" The klingon women asked.

"Err no. I was just looking for someone." Kirk lied.

The klingon woman took a very tight and uncomfortable grab of Kirk's privates.

"Don't lie human."

"I love you- I mean I like you a lot- I mean you're beautiful." Kirk blurted quickly.

The klingon women laughed, "Typical human male."

She then removed her hand and kicked Kirk hard in the privates leaving him withering in pain on the ground. Kirk smiled ever so slightly and he never stared her way again.

 **Author's Note: I feel a bit insecure on how this turned out and need some positive reviews to encourage me. So send me some reviews and tell me if you liked it and also fill free to add a suggestion about what you want me to do next and I might just do it. Also, if I feel inspired enough I might do two chapters again. So review and thanks for reading. 8D!**


	6. Russian Literature and Metal Gear

**Author's Note: Just trying to move forward in this story. Please review. I do not own Star Trek or any of the characters.**

 **Rule Broken: Do not read a children's story to Chekov:**

Chekov and Sulu were hanging out with one another when Sulu pulls out a children's story that he was hiding.

"Oh is this the Russian story of the boy that cried wolf? Or maybe it's the Russian story of Little Red Riding Hood. Or maybe it's the Russian classic Hazel and Gretell?" Chekov asked excitedly.

"None of those. I wrote this." Sulu replied.

"When we went to Russia I bet."

"No."

"Inspired by Russia?"

"No."

"Written for Russian children?"

"No."

"Illustrated by Russian artists?"

"No."

"Aww I see. I was based on a Russian song."

"Chekov, not everything has to come from Russia."

"Yeh it does. Russia is the superior country."

Sulu rolled his eyes and hid the book again and they never spoke of the book again.

 **Rule Broken: Do not hide in a cardboard box:**

An ensign had a crazy idea of hiding in a box to escape her boring and sometimes treaterous duties. It was just so dull as an ensign on the ship and dangerous as an ensign on an away mission that the ensign decided she should hide until the Enterprise's adventures were over and that she could just go home.

So she stayed in her quarters hiding in the corner under a large brown cardboard box. She waited and waited to be checked on and possibly discovered and wished with all her heart that she wouldn't get found and then later die on an away mission.

They came in her quarters calling her name, but Read would not budge from her hiding walked right by the box and accidently kicked it.

"Ow." Ensign Read said prompting Spock to lift up the box to find her hiding.

"What are you doing?" Spock asked confused as to why she was under a cardboard box.

"What does it look like? I'm hiding."

"From what?"

"My duties. I don't want to be the next one to die."

"Fear of death is illogical."

"Fear of death is normal. At least amount humans like me."

"If you wished for not having to do your duties then you should have resigned."

"Yeh but that would have not looked good on my record. I suppose this wouldn't either."

"You can talk to the captain tomorrow."

The next day the ensign smiled when she saw Kirk and two ensign under cardboard boxes.

 **Author's Note: Hope you all enjoyed this chapter. I hope it's silly enough. These aren't necessarily easy to write so please review. 8D!**


	7. Spock Drinks and Pretty Pretty Scotty

**Author's Note: I put this by itself and didn't get a response so I figured it would do better when paired with a better story. I do not own Star Trek or any of the characters so please don't sue. Hope you like the stories.**

 **Rule Broken: Do not get Spock drunk:**

"Hey Spock, would you like to have a drink with me? We're both free for the day." Kirk asked.

"Drinking when bored is considered illogical." Spock replied.

"You should really go easy on the logic. I just want us to have fun."

"Drinking enough to get drunk is fun?"

"I never said we had to get drunk. I just want one drink. Just one."

"Alright Jim, if you promise."

"When have I ever broken a promise?"

Spock opened his mouth to answer, but Kirk motioned him to stop, "That was a rhetorical question."

Spock and Kirk each start out with one drink. The moment they are done, Spock tried to leave, but Kirk motioned him to sit. Spock sat back down.

"Come on just one more drink, Spock." Kirk urged.

"Jim, you promised to-" Spock began.

"I know what you promised. Just one more drink."

"I think that just one more drink wouldn't be illogical."

"Yeh Spock!"

Soon, just one more drink turned into five. Kirk was already very drunk, but Spock seemed relatively unphased. The more they drank, the more it began to affect Spock as well.

"This was wasa goodidea. I'm I'm gladyou talked meinto this." Spock slurred.

"Metoo." Kirk slurred.

Spock began taking off his uniform and dancing at the same time.

"Spock, what's wrong with you?" Kirk said stunned by seeing Spock completely naked.

"This is awesome. Hey- hey Jim. You- you should try this."

"Okay I think you had a few too many." Kirk said while a the same time trying to cover a naked Spock.

Spock just kept dancing naked drawing a few confused stares. Kirk eventually got him covered up and they both stumbled back to Spock's quarters.

"If you remember any of this tomorrow, remind me to never get you drunk." Kirk told Spock.

Spock nodded drunkily and stumbled into his quarters.

 **Rule Broken: Do not make Scotty dress up like a pretty pretty princess:**

It was supposed to be an innocent game of truth or dare. The only one not included was Spock who believed it illogical.

"Truth or dare?" Kirk asked Scotty.

"Dare." Scotty said boldly.

"Okay, I dare you to say hello to everyone on the Enterprise dressed as a pretty pretty princess."

Scotty groaned but compiled with the dare. Everyone either laughed or gave him strange looks.

Chekov smiled when he saw him, "Comic con is not for a few months."

"Shut up, lad. You know this was a dare." Scotty replied.

"A good dare too. Surely it originated in Russia."

"Or Scotland."

"Or Russia."

"Whatever, Chekov."

Scotty continued his awkward tour around the ship meeting Spock next, who raised his eyebrow in curiosity.

"Why are you dressed in such an undignified fashion?" Spock asked.

"Because of Kirk's dare."

"Illogical."

"I know but I'm gonna get him back good."

Spock just shook his head clearly not understanding Scotty's need to get Kirk back.

The next day Kirk sat in his chair and it was wet. Kirk laughed and looked disgusted at the same time.

"Scotty, did you pee in my chair?"

Scotty laughed, "Yep. Never dare me to do something embarrassing again."

Kirk listened.

 **Author's Note: So did you like the stories? Or no? Please let me know nicely in a review please. And thanks for reading. 8D!**


	8. You Are the Faher and Crazy Cat Man

**Author's Note: I'm finally updating this. I hope you like it. Remember I do not own Star Trek. Enjoy the story.**

 **Rule Broken: Do not tell Kirk the baby is his.**

A woman with a six month old child finds Kirk on Risa. Kirk gets nervous as she approaches him with the baby.

"James, the baby is yours." She said trying to had him the baby.

"No it can't be. That baby looks nothing like me. Besides, there is no way you could know for sure that I am the father." Kirk replied.

"Want a DNA test?"

"No because it can't be. The father must be someone else."

"Are you accusing me of cheating? James you're the king of cheaters."

"Yes, I am accusing you of cheating. Me I stay faithful."

"You liar!" The woman said before striking him hard across the face.

"Ow!"

"Take your son and get a DNA test."

Kirk took him and the baby threw up all over him. The woman laughed and Kirk did his best to hide his embarrassment.

(Star Trek)

"Jim, the baby is yours."

"Seriously? That can't be."

"Oh yes it can Jim. Kirk you are the father."

Kirk passed out from pure shock. There was no way he could raise this child. Later, he returned the infant to his mother.

"I am his father, but I can't be his father. I'm captain of a starship." Kirk explained.

The woman took the child back a kicked Kirk in his special place, "Thanks for nothing!"

 **Rule Broken:: Do not release the cats in Spock's quarters.**

Cats were all the ensign knew. He had five cats. He wasn't happy that they weren't allowed on a starship either. He figured it was mostly Spock's fault since Kirk would have given to okay if he wasn't reminded by Spock that it was against Starfleet's rules. He had to prove to Spock that there is nothing wrong with his cats.

First, he, the ensign, had to find to a way to transport the cats over. Then, he had to figure out how to get them inside Spock's quarters. The ensign smiled once he succeeded. The cats were everywhere purring and rubbing up against the walls. There wasn't much for the cats to rub against because Spock's quarters were fairly plain, but the cats seemed to make the most of it.

The ensign then hid so he would not get caught. Spock arrived in his quarters to find five different cats getting fur everywhere. They came up to him and rubbed up against him and purred. Spock was uncomfortable. He tried to push the cats away, but to no avail.

"Having cats is illogical." Spock said to the hiding ensign, "And so is staying hidden."

"Pets are good for you. They even teach you responsibility because you care for them." The ensign replied and stepped out of hiding.

"I'm sorry, but I am going to talk to the captain about this."

"Do you at least like the cats a little bit."

One of the cats peed all over Spock's carpet.

"That would be most illogical."

The ensign frowned.

"But for you. I will let you keep these animals only if you remove them from my quarters immediately and clean up the mess they made."

"Thank you, sir." The ensign said smiling glad to keep his cats.

 **Author's Note: Did you like it? I hope you liked it. Please review and let me know. No flames please. Thanks for reading! 8D!**


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